More Unimaginable Things That Trump Might Really Do

  1. Pardons himself and anyone named Trump.

  2. Declares November’s presidential election “invalid” because it was “stolen” by all those people who voted for the other guy.

  3. Shows up at the joint session of Congress for the electoral vote count, sits in front, and stares at Mike Pence throughout the proceedings.

  4. After the votes are counted, declares the Electoral College a “disgrace” and “the biggest scam ever perpetrated on the American people in the history of the world.”

  5. The night before the inauguration, declares (a) a national emergency due to the aforementioned invalidity of the election, and (b) martial law, in order to prevent riots in response to his declarations. The Joint Chiefs pretend not to notice for 12 hours.

  6. Refuses to leave the White House and orders the Secret Service not to let anyone not named Trump in or out. Melania, however, heads for Florida.

  7. When the Secret Service escorts him from the White House and onto Marine One, tweets that “the Deep State is at it again! Must resist!”

  8. Declares that he will continue as president of a government-in-exile in Mar-a-Lago, with a desk and his own presidential seal emblazoned with the motto “Numquam Concedere.” Gets reams of Mar-a-Lago stationery and a Sharpie in preparation for more declarations. Kayleigh McEnany continues as press secretary and holds daily briefings on the national emergency. Unable to help themselves, Fox News and CNN send reporters to cover them.

  9. Starts a morning talk show on YouTube called “The Trumpet of Freedom.” First guest: Josh Hawley.

  10. Appoints Ted Cruz as the sole justice of a new “Super Supreme Court,” which immediately finds the Electoral Count Act of 1887 unconstitutional and, on appeal to itself, finds the Constitution unconstitutional.

  11. Embarks on the “greatest world tour ever” to England, Russia, North Korea, and Israel to ask his “very close friends” Boris Johnson, Kim Jong Un, Vladimir Putin, and Bibi Netanyahu to recognize the Trump government in exile.

  12. Back in Florida, Trump pressures several southern governors and senators to have their states secede from the union and form a new country with him as President-for-Life, to be called Great America. Discovering that’s taken, he hastily changes it to Great Again America. Red GAA hats sell like hotcakes, and legislation implementing secession is introduced in several state legislatures. Mitch McConnell declares that Trump has “every right” to try to form his own country.

  13. Nancy Pelosi embraces the GAA secessionist movement, tweeting “Catch ya on the B side, suckers!” Joe Biden, citing a broken heart, resigns, and Kamala Harris becomes the first president of the New United States….

Really, you couldn’t make this stuff up.

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